This Reading Deprivation Experiment is interesting because I get to see my real addictions. I can do without recreational reading. Instead, I organise the things I need to organise. Purely functional reading (e.g. dealing with documents and issues that I usually wouldn't want to deal with - finances, insurances etc.) has become more attractive because it's the one type of reading I'm still allowed to do. I'm not obsessively collecting information anymore. So much for the good news.  Now on to the bad news. So what's my real addiction? Emails. I need to know what's going on in my email account. Today I accessed a private email account I wasn't allowed to access - and yes, I had over 100 new messages (no, I didn't read them all, I only skimmed through one, deleted most emails without reading them and left the interesting ones for later on). Out of those 100 + emails, only one was specifically addressed to me! The vast majority of these emails wasn't spam but general notifications and newsletters about things I'm somewhat interested in. In quite a few cases, it might be a good idea to unsuscribe...  How do I feel about having accessed my private email though I wasn't allowed to according to my own rules? Not too good. But not too bad either because at least I kept it down to a minimum. Add Comment A short note beforehand to anyone who might engage in the Reading Deprivation Experiment at a later point: So far, my experiences with it have been quite positive. It seems to work pretty well for me, at least in my current situation. The most challenging bit so far were the last few hours before Reading Deprivation started - because of all my worries about the week ahead of me (what am I going to do???). Once it started, my hysteria gradually subsided and gave way to a sense of peace. But I also know from quite a few others who went through Day 4 of TAW and found it really hard and/or not that helpful. I just wanted to mention this so you know that the reactions to this experiment can vary quite a bit. Which is completely fine - we're all unique!  Today was rather uneventful on the Reading Deprivation front. I had to say goodbaye to my work place/colleagues and wrap things up. I believe Reading Deprivation helped me with this because I limited myself to functional reading instead of getting immersed into every interesting (academic and lengthy) article that crossed my desk - and believe me, there were dozens of them! My main shameful activity of the day was that I (again!) checked my private email once more than I was allowed to (and with the same justification I used yesterday). Same situation - I had to check my emails again because I was hoping for an email by that certain someone (something most people can probably relate to, right?). Well, again this transgression of my rules turned out to be unfruitful...no email in my inbox. What does this teach me? Probably that I might just as well stick with my rules - that way, I at least don't obsessively check my emails a dozen times per day. :) And I am in integrity with myself. Speaking of being in integrity with myself - I have been a complete coffee addict for the last decade or so (without my morning coffee, my day was pretty much ruined) and I really can't stand it anymore. For the last three days, I've been able to substitute black tea for coffee which is a major improvement for me. I obviously don't know if it can be partially attributed to the Reading Deprivation Experiment but the timing is definitely interesting.  I am starting to think that reading deprivation can be somewhat helpful in times of change - because it forces one to focus on the necessary tasks instead of withdrawing into the world of books, internet forums or TV series (or whatever happens to be one's drug of choice). It has given me more equilibrium. In that respect, it's especially helpful to miss out on all the drama going on in my favourite soap opera which I wrote about yesterday. Reading Deprivation helps me to focus on myself and on my current problems, not on the problems of some invented book or TV characters. Reading Deprivation Experiment Day 3: I have sinned. A little. Here's my full confession.  I did check my private email account twice and thus once more than I was allowed to. My current situation is quite difficult in that I will start a new job in another city on Monday so I'm feeling rather stressed at the moment. What does this have to do with my emails? Well, I was hoping to find a message of support by one of my friends but, alas, to no avail. So did I break my rules for an empty inbox? Actually, I didn't really break the rules, it was more about bending them. I figured I would checked my emails twice today but not at all on Friday, so that the sum total would still be the same. *coughs*  My other transgression of my self-formulated rules (ouch) also has to do with my stressful current situation...there's just so much unfinished business I have to deal with at the moment. I figured I would really, really like to watch my favourite soap opera because its protagonists always find themselves in very shitty situations. At the moment, a woman believes she is pregnant from a drunk ONS which obviously doesn't help things with her husband, a homosexual guy had a drunk ONS with his father's girlfriend (same party as the woman above) which obviously neither helps things with his boyfriend nor with his father, another guy faces charges for attempted murder while his beloved has mysteriously disappeared, the beloved has been locked into a container by her rival and the container is now on a ship in the middle of the ocean... I could continue but you get the idea, right? I hoped that watching the soap would make me feel better about my organizational problems which pales in comparison to the ordeals these people face on a daily basis. I therefore started watching the soap but stopped within a minute or so - before it actually started (advertisement etc.). So I suppose it only counts as half-broken the rules, doesn't it? I find it quite difficult to come up with things to do - Day 1 and 2 of my Reading Deprivation Experiment were holidays so I had an abundance of free time anyway. Without recreational reading and with severly restricted internet usage, I had and have so much free time to just hang out or talk to people which is obviously really nice and makes me feel better than obsessively sitting in front of a computer for hours.  What I really like about this experiment is that the reading deprivation gets me to try new things, for instance, listening to audiobooks which I hardly ever do. It also re-awakens my interest in things I used to like. I feel a bit calmer without constantly feeling the need to check my emails or to read an article that's flying around somewhere. I'm not that scared anymore of missing out on important pieces of information. And I'm starting to understand myself better because without reading and internet, I can't distract myself from self-investigation whether I like it or not - and oftentimes I don't like it.  Day 2 of my Reading Deprivation Experiment was rather uneventful. At some point I couldn't figure out what to do so I ended up going through piles of financial and other important documents. I got quite a lot done so in that respect the Reading Deprivation Experiment has already been a success. I never realized how much our culture depends on reading until I tried to give it up. To me, Reading Deprivation feels like Satre's "No Exit", minus other people. I feel stuck in the company of my own mind, with nowhere to go to.  This Information Diet allows me to see myself more clearly. I can neither use books nor TV/internet to distract myself. In the absence of these - let's face it - oftentimes numbing tools, I have few options other than the investigation of my previously ignored feelings. It's only been a couple of hours (luckily I did sleep in) but I do feel slightly "purer" without the steady stream of outside opinions, delivered in the form of writing. The same goes for TV and internet usage. I feel good about my intention to stick with this weeklong experiment though I don't feel quite as good about actually putting that intention into practice. So how have I done so far? Here are my results:
 This is an only slightly exaggerated portrayal of my current environment. Reading Deprivation Week: My Rules :( 04/23/2011
Only half an hour left until midnight.... Am I going to use this time zone to determine the start of my Reading Deprivation Week? Can't I use Pacific Standard Time, for instance? Panic sets in. How am I supposed to survive a week without reading. I already signed a contract with myself (see details below). Dammit. I would really like to re-negotiate. Did I actually sign THAT??? *whimper*  RULES FOR WEEK FOUR # 1 I am allowed to check my work emails twice on Tuesday and Wednesday. If I receive work emails, I am allowed to read them and reply, if necessary. # 2 Before reading something work-related, I will have to ask myself if it's necessary. I am not allowed to proceed if the answer is no. # 3 I won't engage in recreational reading of anything I can hold in my hands (books, newspapers etc.). This does not apply to menus and similar objects. It also does not apply to reading material received during the spiritual workshop I'm attending if we are supposed to read it together. Otherwise, I am not allowed to read it. # 4 I am allowed to read things I'm not holding in my hands (street signs, newspaper headlines, billboard advertisements etc.), subject to the conditions of Rule #5. # 5 I am not allowed to use the internet except for planning purposes (finding a bus/train/getting directions/looking for a flat). Before I google something I need to ask myself if it's necessary. I am only allowed to proceed if the answer is yes. # 6 I am allowed to read text messages. I am allowed to read snail mail addressed to me. # 7 I am allowed to access my gmail account once per day and read and reply to messages, if necessary. # 8 I am not allowed to check my hotmail account. # 9 I am not allowed to use Twitter and Facebook. # 10 I am not allowed to read posts on any Online Forum. # 11 I am not allowed to watch TV except when others put it on. I am not allowed to watch my favourite soap opera online. # 12 I am allowed to read the exercises in the TAW workbook. # 13 If a situation arises that isn't answered by the above, I will use common sense to determine if I'm allowed to read or not. # 14 I am allowed to re-read these rules. #15 I have to keep a list with transgression of these rules. # 16 These rules are in effect from April 24 until April 30.  This almost makes me drool - and I haven't even started Reading Deprivation Week yet. I have been walking down "The Artist's Way" (by Julia Cameron) for almost three weeks now. This means that the dreaded Week 4 with its Reading Deprivation Requirement is around the corner. Yes, you heard correctly. No recreational reading. In addition, severe limitations on Internet and TV usage. (I will post my Rules for Reading Deprivation Week later.) Yesterday I felt good about Reading Deprivation, hoping it would give me lots of time to create and to effect necessary changes in my environment. Today, as I'm counting down the hours, it feels like someone taking my favourite toys away. My Resistance (which is capitalized for a reason) is growing and growing. I'm starting to have kinky fantasies that involve black on white encounters...I'm obviously talking about letters and pages.  Book Porn OK, I can do without TV. But apart from that? It's only...books. And magazines and newspapers. It's only...the Internet. About to start crying! I thought I would do something unusual today and create a pro and con list of awakening. Yeah, that's right. Let's see what happens when we apply a right-brain technique to a spiritual experience.  + - * you can't help but be yourself * you can't help but be yourself * you can't deceive yourself * becoming more aware of your about your own mortality own mortality * loosing your illusions (it's healthy) * loosing your illusion (it hurts) * becoming less attached (freeing) * becoming less attached (scary) * easier to socialize with others * more difficult to socialize (because you're less attached) (due to different interests) Hmm. ???  There's a place for everything. There's a place for right brain approaches. But not necessarily in the realm of spiritual experiences. Right brain approaches have their limitations. Life needs to be experienced, not examined. You won't really understand a rose by taking it apart and analyzing it components. Look at it. Smell it. This is sufficient to understand rose-ness. The Story Behind the Candle of Courage 04/19/2011
 You might have seen the candle of courage here and wondered what it was about. I personally think the candle of courage is a wonderful tool and I would LOVE it also inspire others as well. Here's the story behind the idea and how the candle of courage has helped me so far: Making oneself openly vulnerable - especially in a blog - can be extremely scary. I was having a forum discussion with a few lovely ladies about this where I mentioned how unsafe it makes me feel to "pour my heart out". Donna aka Lady Isis Rose (@ authentic-goddess.com) replied that we should light a flame of courage for ourselves which we can use to empower ourselves to share and be vulnerable in front of others. (Oddly enough, I just noticed that I had misread Donna's message, substituting "candle" for "flame".) Upon reading that message, something clicked and I decided to include a permanent candle of courage in this virtual space, for myself and for everyone else who happens to find it. When I told Donna about it, she also lit a candle of courage (using different words) which you can find here. Strangely, I have noticed that the candle of courage has indeed given me courage and that it makes it easier for me to "pour my heart out". May it also empower others! Being Myself: Confession of a Neptunian 04/18/2011
 Being myself is one of the most difficult things in the world for me (though I am getting so much better at it), mostly because I find it so difficult to figure out who I actually am. I have Neptune conjunct my Ascendant ... a placement that has been likened to a "house without windows" - a very accurate description! In a house without windows, the outside strongly affects the inside. If it's cold or rainy outside...well...you get the idea *shivers*. Enough with the house metaphor and back to my sense of self (or lack thereof). For a long, long time, I had no sense of boundaries and no stable sense of self. I was helplessly and completely exposed to other people - their expectations, moods and demands. Way too much input from the outside that went way too deep, right down to my core which was eventually being replaced by a heap of conditioning. Oftentimes, I felt a lot of discomfort. I wasn't able to discern where the discomfort was coming from but now I know that a lot of it actually came from the outside. Like rain pouring into a house when the windows are open. The obvious solution in that case is to close your windows. The only problem was that my house didn't have windows to begin with. Due to my lacking sense of self, I didn't even know that it was raining into my house - I thought the rain was an integral part of my house! I don't know what eventually allowed things to change. I suppose my awakening into embodied consciousness helped me to see things clearer. To start distinguishing "my stuff" from "not my stuff - coming from the outside". I recently started writing morning pages, a technique suggested by Julia Cameron. The morning pages also help me to see things clearer and to set appropriate boundaries. This in turn helps me to feel more peaceful, more centered and less overwhelmed. I had a very reassuring experience today: Someone got angry with me and tried to make me feel guilty. Two years ago, I would have felt completely devasted and it would have ruined my day. I would have taken on their criticism. Today, I noticed that the other person was behaving in an inappropriate way, not me! I just reacted calmly, explained myself and shrugged it off when they didn't get it. According to the astrologer Donna Cunningham, it takes a long time to learn how to work with the energy of outer planets and I sure have taken my time to do so. I believe the Neptunian energy can be very powerful (as far as imagination, spiritual experiences, feelings of unconditional love etc. are concerned). However, until one learns how to handle it (which is an ongoing process), it can be a very challenging and even dangerous energy. |
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